Dad Moves: Me, My Dad, and John Lennon
Separating the man from the art, when the man’s flaws hit so close to home.
It’s 1995, I’m 16 years old, and I just finished watching The Beatles anthology when my dad decided to stop talking to me.
Let’s rewind...it’s 1979..... my parents welcomed (me) a baby boy in August of that year. As much as I would like to believe that made them the happiest they had ever been that must not have been the case, because a few months after I was born they decided to divorce. My mom was my primary caregiver, she was loving, caring, and overall a great parent. She played the dual role of mom and dad effortlessly and naturally. Knowing our family dynamic was different than most I never felt my home life was that different from the kids who lived with both their parents.
My grandparents lived downstairs and played a giant role in my upbringing. My Grandfather was the stern WW2 type of man. He wasn’t the type to say the words “I love you”, but he showed it in his actions. When I first moved in he used to knock on my door and leave me ice cream sundaes at least once a week. A trip to the legion to play shuffle bowling was always the best. My grandfather is the role of how a dad should be that I would carry with me throughout my life.
My Grandma was a tiny woman with a huge personality. Whenever I was feeling down she would say “ Tommy, how do we walk? Not with our head and shoulders down like you do. We walk with our head up and with confidence”. I can still hear her saying this in my head to this day. As an adult I would spend hours on the phone with her just talking about everything and anything. My wife would eventually come to call me and my grandma a couple of yentas.
Back to my father, My Dad would take me on Sundays.. well , sometimes he would. Even then he would leave me again, pawning me off to his youngest sister, only coming back in time to take me home. I remember always being nervous around him. He wasn’t particularly mean towards me, I just never felt any love or connection coming from him. Despite a secure home life that lack of a connection made me grow up wondering what was wrong with me.
The only time we really bonded was when he was trying showcase his dad skills to the woman who would eventually become my step mom. Once they were married and had a baby I was put back in my place. I wasn’t the only family member my dad kept at arms length, there were others that he decided were not worth his time or love as well. If anyone dared question him in the smallest way they were cut right out of his life. You see in my dad’s world he burns bridges then walks away feeling righteous by blaming the other party for all wrong doings.
When I was around the age of 16 I wrote him a letter telling him how he made me feel. He simply never responded. He burnt that bridge too, naturally blaming me for the demise of what little relationship we ever had. This hurt my self esteem greatly, especially in my teenage years.
As a kid when I asked my mom , a huge Elvis fan, about The Beatles she would just say ,“ Ya they sing She loves you ya, ya, ya. They aren’t as good as Elvis”. I took her word as Bible and moved on. I learned she was wrong about this one, big time. Immediately after watching the anthology my interest in the band took over.
A friend let me borrow his copy of the album “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band”. It had all the answers I was looking for and I was enthralled . The opening title track just rocked and pulled me right in. “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds”, what world was I now in? “Getting Better”, literally made me feel like anyone, even me could bounce back from anything. The album’s last song, “A Day in the Life” that voice, those lyrics, everything shook me to the core. From the initial strumming of the acoustic guitar into the line “I read the news today, oh boy” it was over for me.
This band was it! I felt all of my built up emotions in their songs. Not to sound like a 1960s stoner, but it set my soul free. I listened to it over and over and over again. After that I scrambled for all things Beatles, for all things Lennon. John Lennon had the answer to every problem that I had. If I was sitting being miserable , “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans”. If I was being closed off to new life opportunities “Living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see”. Even when I tried and failed to connect with my dad again at 18 years old I could put on “Watching the Wheels” or “I Know (I Know)” and check out for a few with a friendly voice who got it.
When I get into something I go all in , 100%. I started to read every Beatles and Lennon book that I could find. Eventually, as I dug deeper I learned about Julian Lennon. The son from John’s first marriage. He always took the back seat to John’s stardom, to Yoko, to activism, to everything that was his dad.
In the book “John” by Cynthia Lennon, John’s first wife I learned more and more about the time Julian had to spend not feeling love and acceptance from his father. What I learned was John Lennon, my musical hero, the guy who pulled me out of the darkness that my dad spent a life time putting me in was a lot like my dad.
I grew angry at Lennon, even deprived myself of his songs. This man did the same thing to his first son as my dad did to me. Then just like my dad suddenly became a real dad to the child he had with his second wife. The hypocrisy was more than I could take. How could someone like my dad be writing such deep and meaningful lyrics of love and peace? I spent many years after that telling people that George was my favorite Beatle. No disrespect to the brilliant, quiet Beatle, but I knew it wasn’t true. I just couldn’t separate the man John Lennon from the songs.
As I got older and dare to say wiser I missed those lyrics. Unlike my dad those songs were something I actually had. I was a better person with them in my life. I also grew to feel for Lennon and to an extent my dad. The way they hurt people is inexcusable. They were hurt too and products of their environment.
As a friend once put it, “Hurt people hurt people”. In many ways they decided to not break the chains of their fathers before them. As a dad I wasn’t going to be my dad. I was going to be everything to my kids that I wanted from a dad. I was going to share with them the lessons my mom taught me.
I wanted to have a strong and happy marriage like the one I grew up around with my grandparents. I also wanted to share with them the songs of The Beatles and John Lennon. I wanted them to know the songs that gave me happiness and joy through out my life. I wanted to see a glimpse of joy on their faces when a certain Fab Four song struck a nerve with them.
It’s 2023, over the years I’ve tried a few more times to make peace with my dad. Those efforts always ended in failure. It’s not my failure, it’s his. It’s never a failure to try to extend an olive branch. I’ve made peace with it. We just aren’t meant to be. Mr. Lennon after a bumpy road I can say you’ve brought more positives to my life than negatives. We are square.
Thank you for writing the songs that fill my household with joy on a regular basis. I am a better man today because of The Beatles’ and your songs. Even now at 43 when life gets me down I just push play and remember “there’s no problems, only solutions”
Thank you for reading……
You are a fantastic writer Tom. Lucky am I to call you my cousin🩷
Well-written and very mature, Tom. Good job. Oh, what was the name of that group?